Friendship has made a significant difference in my life. When I think about why, it has very little to do with how many people I know. It comes down to the people I can speak honestly with, and how well we have come to understand each other.

Yet “friend” is a word we use quite broadly. A colleague we enjoy working with, someone we see regularly, a person we used to be close to. Sometimes the distinction hardly matters. At other times, it shapes what we expect from each other.

I don’t think every connection needs to become a close friendship to be worth having. But I do think it helps to recognise the difference, especially when friendship means a great deal to us.

Familiarity and friendship

We can spend considerable time with someone without necessarily knowing them well.

At work, we might share lunch, exchange stories and know exactly how the other person takes their coffee. There can be warmth, humour and genuine care in those interactions. That is already worth appreciating.

But familiarity can also make a relationship feel closer than either person has consciously chosen it to be. We know each other within a particular setting, and it is easy to assume that the connection extends further.

Sometimes it does. A colleague becomes someone we seek out beyond work, and the friendship develops its own life. Sometimes the relationship remains mainly within the office.

Neither outcome makes the original connection false. It helps to understand what exists rather than deciding what ought to exist because we have spent so much time together.

Time together matters, but so does how we spend it

Jeffrey Hall’s study, How many hours does it take to make a friend?, examined the relationship between time spent together and increasing closeness. Published online in 2018 and in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships in 2019, it found that shared time and particular activities were associated with friendship development.

The research offers estimates, not a timetable everyone must follow. Spending enough hours beside someone doesn’t automatically turn them into a close friend. Read Hall’s study.

That distinction makes sense to me. A working day provides opportunities to become familiar, but it also comes with tasks, roles and reasons to cooperate. Choosing to spend time together, talking more personally and taking an interest beyond the immediate setting can gradually change the relationship.

Friendship needs opportunities to develop. What happens within those opportunities matters too.

Depth matters to me

When I think about the friendships I value, I’m interested in how much room there is to be a person rather than a version of myself that is easy company.

Can we speak honestly? Can we disagree without the whole relationship feeling threatened? Is there interest in how we are, beyond what we have been doing?

I don’t mean that every conversation needs to be intimate. Much of friendship is ordinary: a joke, a small update, something you know the other person will find amusing. Closeness doesn’t require constant disclosure.

For me, depth means knowing that the relationship can hold more when it needs to.

A 2023 systematic review, Adult friendship and wellbeing: A systematic review with practical implications, found links between wellbeing and several aspects of friendship, including quality, support, maintenance and socialising. The number of friends also appeared among the relevant factors. The research doesn’t reduce wellbeing to one ideal friendship style. Read the review in Frontiers in Psychology.

So when I say depth matters more to me than numbers, I’m describing what I value. I’m not suggesting that research has established a correct size for everyone’s circle.

The distinction between enjoying someone’s company and feeling understood also runs through my article on physical attraction, intelligence and emotional compatibility. Romantic relationships and friendships differ, but both invite us to consider how we respond to each other beyond an easy conversation.

The lighter connections matter too

There is a risk of making close friendship sound so important that every other connection begins to seem inadequate.

I wouldn’t want that.

A friendly colleague can make a difficult working day easier. A neighbour who stops to talk can make a place feel more welcoming. Someone you see at the same class each week may become a familiar and pleasant part of your routine.

Gillian Sandstrom and Elizabeth Dunn examined this in their 2014 paper, Social Interactions and Well-Being: The Surprising Power of Weak Ties. Their studies found associations between interactions with acquaintances and feelings of happiness and belonging. Read the study.

“Weak ties” is a research term, not a judgement of someone’s worth.

These connections can offer something valuable without carrying the expectations of a close friendship. We don’t need to promote every acquaintance into our inner circle to appreciate having them in our lives.

Expectations are where the distinction becomes important

The difficulty often appears when two people understand the relationship differently.

One person thinks, “We get along well at work.” The other thinks, “This is someone I can rely on personally.”

Neither may have said it aloud. The difference only becomes visible when one person expects something the other never understood themselves to have offered.

That can hurt without anyone having deliberately misled the other.

Recognising the distinction gives us a chance to look at the relationship more fairly. What have we actually shared? What kind of support has been mutual? Are we responding to the relationship as it is, or to the closeness we hope it will become?

I don’t think friendship needs a formal conversation about its status. But it does develop through invitations, responses and repeated experiences. Those tell us more than the word we use when introducing someone.

Close friends still have limits

Valuing depth shouldn’t mean expecting unlimited access to another person.

A friend can care and be unavailable. They can miss a message, become absorbed in a demanding period of life or need support themselves. One disappointing moment doesn’t explain an entire friendship.

I would look at the pattern and make room for circumstances.

Is there care over time? Can we talk when something has hurt? Do both people have some freedom to ask for what they need and to say when they cannot give it?

Reciprocity doesn’t have to mean matching every call or favour. There may be long periods when one person needs more. What matters is that the relationship has room for both people, rather than quietly assigning one of them the permanent role of listener, organiser or helper.

I explored the limits of one person’s effort in Is the grass really greener on the other side?. Care matters, but so does whether it is mutual over time.

When the circumstances change

Leaving a job can reveal how much a connection depended on seeing each other every day.

Sometimes the friendship continues easily. Sometimes it needs more deliberate effort. Sometimes contact fades, despite genuine affection.

I would be careful about treating that as proof that someone was never a friend. Shared circumstances help relationships grow, and losing those circumstances changes what maintaining them requires.

A friendship can have been real within a particular chapter of life. It may also be possible to build something different afterwards, if both people want to.

I explored the sadness of those changes in The grief of losing old friends. Understanding why a connection changed doesn’t necessarily make losing it painless.

Further reading

Platonic by Marisa G. Franco

Franco examines making and maintaining friendships through the lens of attachment and psychological research. It offers a useful starting point for treating friendship as something deserving attention and initiative. Publisher information.

On Friendship by Alexander Nehamas

A philosophical exploration of friendship and the particular people we become attached to. This offers a different approach from a practical guide, with room to consider why a friend matters to us beyond a list of desirable qualities. Publisher information.

Giving a friendship a little more attention

Think of someone you would like to know better, or a friend you have been meaning to contact. What would be a comfortable next step?

It could be inviting a colleague for coffee outside work, suggesting a walk or sending a message that asks more than how busy they have been. Make the invitation specific enough to respond to, while leaving them room to decline.

Then notice what develops over time. One unanswered message doesn’t define a relationship, but neither does calling someone a friend create closeness on its own.

For an existing friendship, it may help to ask a different question: have I made room to hear how this person actually is, or have we fallen into exchanging updates?

Depth is something we can help create, as well as something we hope to receive.

Making room for different kinds of connection

I’m not especially interested in becoming stricter about who is allowed to be called a friend.

I am interested in understanding my relationships well enough to care for them appropriately. To appreciate a colleague’s company without assuming a level of closeness we haven’t developed. To give a new friendship time. To make an effort with the people whose presence has become important to me.

Friendship matters deeply to me. That is why I want to give it more than a broad label and the assumption that it will look after itself.

I can enjoy knowing many people. The depth I value comes from the slower experience of getting to know someone, allowing them to know me, and continuing to choose that connection.

What makes someone a friend to you? And have any of your closest friendships begun with someone you simply happened to work alongside?

Editorial note: This is a personal reflection informed by research, not individual relationship advice. The studies describe patterns and associations rather than rules for deciding which relationships count as friendship. Examples are illustrative.

Featured image supplied for this article. The people pictured are not identified as the author or her friends.